Blahgue

When I look at that pretty face
I feel every pair of familiar eyes looking back at me.
You did not bother to choose,
I don’t understand why;
or it could just be that everyone I chose
chose you too, at one point or another.
But they chose to stay with me longer;
I don’t really know if its something good.

Sometimes, I see my life being asymptotic to yours.
Coming close, but never really like it.
And though all those familiar eyes
don’t think you are worth any effort,
I find myself envying you.
Because I wish I had your freedom.
I wish I were as whole as you
and sure enough of yourself to not care about anyone
who at all does not give a damn about you
except for what they take from you.

Its a pity that they never loved you,
but at least you spared yourself all the pain.
Easy come, easy go.
The bird no one can cage.

‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around
full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of
disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it
and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just
smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and
spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take
over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so….. ‘Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who
don’t.’

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

- I got this from Doinkers and it really helped me a lot through this difficult time. “Don’t worry cause everything’s gonna be alright…”

I just learned yesterday that me and my uncle work in the same building. What a surprise! Just like last year when I was with Chase, NWA (I didn’t know) was housed at Philam Tower as well. At least I know where to solicit expensive meals! Haha

Come August, Jo’s old office will be moved to the Fort. She also will move to Grand Hamptons which will be much closer to work at that point. So much for being close! But until then, we’ll be on call before, during, and after work for nothings.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE!
School breaks have always housed the bulk of all events and agenda. And this final break just can’t exempt itself.

For four weeks, Ma Belle Michelle et moi was out and about every tuesday for food trips and long talks. First week, me and my discerning eye spotted from the crowd an image that was too familiar. Jaja, May, Pj, Melay and DJ hanging out at Starbucks mega. When we were having biggie snacks, I saw my old friend Chloe with her beau(?) and we had a short catching up. Second week, we saw Daniel Gunigundo and his brother Abe at Podium. Third week, we shared sweet drinks with Onde and his bitter love story after trying out Sebastian’s Chocoholics, butter pecan, and Choco chip cookie dough. Fourth week, Michelle’s last day at NEDA, we spent talking about stuff (i.e. me talking about me! haha), helping me out with dignifying the outcome of clashing personalities. I shouldn’t fail to mention that I saw Lolo Leon’s trooper and his entourage of beer-bellied bodyguards; that kinda cut the date a little short. Too bad, the weather was good for hanging out outside.

May 2008 has also been the birth of my new food blog. I’ve been pushing myself to publish it for months, but only this month have I gathered the guts (and the budget!) to do my reviews. I made the image header myself <applause!> and I think there isn’t a better way to describe it in one word other than "scrumdiliumptious"!

The last years have been major for me… always account for variable change. My parents were right, the first few decades seem quite long but the next ones just breeze past you. Its starting to breeze past me. I’m getting old. First things first!

"If she’s so worked up about the past, why doesn’t she just ff*** roll up into a ball and commit suicide?!" - R. Aliman

These guys are really to love. And they’re right. Its so sad and pathetic, if she can only hear us laugh from here. Oh dear! Poor you, do what you got to do. If that would help you get over.

I’d recommend some memory supplements, herrs seem to have gotten rusty. Hehe

I hate whiners. They have everything they could want and they whine
still. They think its amusing that they never run out of things to
whine about. Kids these days, eh?

[Apostrophizing to self]

Contrary to the common impression, I did not grow up with a silver
spoon in my mouth. My classmate in preschool before once announced to
everyone in class (addressing my teacher) that I only had sugar for
snacks. The fool didn’t see the suman I
brought out after eat. On weekends, we’d feed like gremlins on a bunch
of boiled sweet potatoes (cause I didn’t want to say camote. It would
ruin my conyo image.) for the rest of the afternoon. We were simple and
we didn’t see anything wrong with that.

I’m a computer geek, not because I’ve had my own computer when I was
four, rather cause I was exposed to it since I was that age; it was
related to the business my parents put up in a little office very, very
close to home. I remember putting coins and such into the giant floppy
slot (yes, with the lever-ish lock) and pressing restart and turbo
after my mom just finished a very very very long draft.

Before I learned how to read, I sat on my dad’s lap while he read the
newspaper and he said I stared at it as if I’m reading it as well. The
only piano lessons I’ve had were the ones when my tita-cousin,  Abby
(who’s a couple of years older than I) taught me to read musical notes
and how to play it. Now I can read and play, but give me ten years to
do it. I thought I was so smart when I wrote on the blue-red-blue pad
how to write numbers from twenty up and showed it to our employee Ate
Che. I could count as fast as the fastest kids in the class, but none
of them went past number twenty! Woohoo! (But of course I was wrong. I
wrote it like 20 1, 20 2, 20 3…).  Not a year passed that I wasn’t
listed for quiz bees [what a geek] in elementary. Never won though! Haha

Sad as it is to admit, I fell into mediocrity when I entered
highschool. Everyone there was the smartest of the smart in their old
schools. I took the bus, walked through QC polluted air and got
harassed by tricycle drivers parked outside the school ["Miss, I
kraaash you"]. I was able to learn foreign languages with the help of
my  eccentric mentor, Arnel Canaveral in tight pants who spoke french
like a frenchman. I’ve read a handful of novels by contemporary
authors, none of which were bought. I whine, oh yes I do, when my
parents’ promises don’t materialize… even after months! I could paint
the memory of my disappointment in black and red. Promisory notes to
Sister Nisa Tan, the fair-faced nun became a more-than-once encounter
that she’d smile at me at the corridors.

I used to think I wasn’t so beautiful at age 12. Turning thirteen gave
me a little more confidence. Turning eighteen gave me too much
confidence. And now, I’m back to how I felt when I was twelve. I want
to whine and want to blame it on my formative years and the old
situation, but I can’t. I had everything I need, and the people who
mattered never abandoned me.

So life is a lot more comftable now. No, we’re not millionaires and I
don’t have a similar ancestry as Paris Hilton. I’m not a poser, I just
intend to look decent to strangers’ eyes. Its the "elitist
conditioning" as Horeb and I used to call it when we jibbed Rosing
about not knowing what and where Big Joe’s is.

I really see no point in whining, especially to those who had it better
than the rest of us. If Jim Carrey said that he thinks "everyone should
get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can
see that its not the answer", I’d say having no money at all is not the
answer either.

I think its starts with quitting the whining and see what goods we can
work with. Just see how much better off we are compared to the hungry
population. I have fat calves, my face looks like orange-peel, i don’t
have the latest gadget, I’m not as rich as they are, could’ve been as
good if we were as rich as they are… Know what? No one really cares.
If there are any who do care, they’re probable no better than you if
that consumes your day.

Be happy!

[Apostrophizing to self]

What do you think about doing things without expecting anything in return? Have you done things that helped others and made you feel good about yourself? Is there such a thing as charity, or is the reality of the world based on social exchange?

The thing is, we do expect things in return. "Don’t do unto others what you don’t want them to do unto you", or to put it more positively, "do unto others what you want them to do unto you". It has always been the mantra growing up christian. Be generous, be charitable, love your brothers as you love yourself. But see, the wide-scoping perspective is that which views doing something in hopes of getting something back. For some people whom Maslow would call as being in the self-actualization stage, there is, in reality, the existence of an absolute good deed. For these people, feeling good about oneself is already and end in itself, which I think is great for the rest of us.

Coelho disucusses the concept of "The Favor Bank" in his book The Zahir, wherein you do favors for one person as an investment of gaining his help back in return. That, I believe, is more realistic. In my opinion, there is no such thing as an absolute good deed. When you do your friend a favor, you will have the kind of thinking that he will have less reason to deny you anything in the future because of hsi gratitude. (In the Philippines, it is the never-ending cycle of "utang na loob".) When you give to charity, its not that you don’t expect something back. Its just that you don’t expect the exchange to be direct. You hang on to some supernatural being (whom you hope is watching you at that moment) to shower you back what you gave ten fold. As Coelho has said, doing favors is an investment. But as with every investment, there is always the probability of losing. What losing does is get us angry or depressed, but fact is, we have to move on with our lives regardless.

A simple thank-you is enough from the recipient of the deed. But if there has been a promise of giving something back, that promise should be kept. With an unkept promise dies loyalty, trust. Some are amnesiac enough to get over broken promises sooner and end up living on promises again. But some are not, and eventually learn to keep away.  Some people on the receiving end are even miserly enough to cheat and lie. And if the doer does not become evil enough to do the revenge himself, one must be wary of the Dharma called Karma.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November… of 2007 which marked the last of my teenage days. I felt thirty, flirty and thriving long before I reached twenty years old. And now I fear that there is a tight race between my physical body and my state of mind. What this is is a precocious senescence. I fear that I might be expiring long before I should.

Pallid face, frizzy hair, heavy eyebags, and I just don’t care. Or do I? There’s been a yoyo of realization-denial cycle of how I look and how I feel for the past few weeks. Sometimes, I find the minutest of reasons to cry for and just find the tears falling to no end. An overflowing well of tears, to make it more poetic.  Why? When you find out, let me know. I haven’t been taking care of myself.

The stress from my obligations and apparently unending procrastination is getting the best of me. Its roughly a month till the end of classes, and two until graduation. The closer it gets, the more clueless I feel. I don’t want to just get it over with. Unlike everything else I’ve done this past season, I want to do well with something I can put my name on. I want to stop crying. I want to love myself again.

Thank god for my support group (/person) who is always 24/7. Thanks for being here during this difficult time.

if there are any words in any language

that could describe this euphoria I’ve discovered

I’ll try to memorize it, babe

and tell you everyday,

that I feel so lucky that you are with me

and you love me just the way I am.

I am learning so much everyday I’m with you

with shocking or funny surprises about the way you are

and when at times your honesty kills me

I am resurrected because you raise me back up.

Its you before I close my eyes

Its you looking at me, hiding me from the morning light.

And though we know this is not going to be easy

we give each other reason to fight for it everyday.

I love you like I’ve never,

I love you like no other, babe

and you love me just the way I am.

Happy Birthday, babe. I hope we pass the years growing wiser together.